I had shared on a video that at some point I would share what transpired in my year away from social media.
Except, all that really needs to be said is that it was a year of death, deconstruction, processing, and clearing.
Most recently, I was injured in April, a suspected torn hip flexor muscle, and two thirds of my income dried up immediately.
In the blink of an eye, base-consciousness programming of scarcity, fear, and survival weren’t just activated, they were fully triggered and lit up brighter than a Las Vegas night sky.
It has been a quest unto itself not to default into a mentality of victimhood and it’s been a paradoxical three-month journey of observing internal dialogue. A inner commentary that I’m pretty sure isn’t really mine.
The injury, herein lovingly referred to as “the catalyst”, brought with it a multi-layered complexity of timing, ancestral lineage, and unprocessed trauma.
When the catalyst occurred, my first-born (who had flown the coop years earlier) was days away from turning twenty-two. My youngest had just turned nineteen and was about to graduate high school a year late. The family dog died the summer before and my time with anyone still living at home was quickly drawing to an end.
Space was very suddenly held for me to be still, to process and to feel deeply
In addition, I couldn’t shake a sort of deep-in-the-bones knowing, that what I was (hopefully) healing and navigating had a distinct ancestral theme regarding mother-child relationships in my family line. I don’t try to understand it or even begin to explain it, instead I acknowledge it, breathe through it, and try to offer it love. I have felt as though I have been a dimensional-bridge of sort, healing what I can with my own offspring, and on some level offering energetic healing to the generations before me.
There was also a significant shadow that immediately appeared in the forefront of my experience. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and incest, I was scared that I wasn’t going to be believed.
Again.
Afraid of being told that I was exaggerating, making stuff up or being dramatic.
Again.
Even after YEARS and years and years and yearsANDyears of therapy- and frankly, that pissed me off.
Immensely.
This catalyst has initiated and riled up so much and it is all as clear as mud. All I can do, is write my way through.
More than a decade ago it was suggested to me that I start a Patreon account, something that I didn’t pursue for any number of reasons. At the time, I think the greatest one, was not believing in myself or what I had to offer.
Yet with this catalyst suddenly and drastically depleting my income, I can’t help but wonder if I’m being guided to circle back to something that I should never have skimmed over in the first place.
For months, I have been considering, revisiting, even starting… and then stalling. I’ve come to recognize this as a dynamic of being inspired to act, but getting in my own way and keeping myself stuck.
This morning I recognized I have been in full-on resistance regarding this next step.
I know this feeling well from my journey of publishing The Grateful Jar Project; I also know it intimately from the internal tug of war that it took for me to release any variation of my subsequent gratitude courses or memberships.
Someone once shared with me that the greater our level of resistance directly indicates how important that calling is to our soul’s growth.
I keep on hearing that reminder echoing throughout time and space.
I do not enjoy the feeling of being pinched off or internally wadded up. So, I am drinking a tall glass of water, taking some time to breath deep and ground myself, before getting out of the way, and opening the door to possibility by finally sharing the Patreon account.
I do not know what exactly is unfolding.
I do know that I have been clearing space for it for a long time and I am excited to bask in the becoming.
If over the years, I have inspired or touched you in any way, I would really appreciate your support right now as I write my way through because I’m excited to share this journey with you!
Adventure is in the Air, and Magick is afoot!